Running to Nowhere…

I think I am beginning to understand how hamsters must feel on those little wheels. I finally made it back to the gym and spent some time with the elliptical trainer (72/200). If it weren’t for the fact that it removes layers of fat from my ass it would be such a ridiculous waste of time. Frankly, it probably is even with the physical benefits, but I am too *me* to do something else. So, I am sticking with it.

It sort of makes a nice metaphor for my life, though. I have spent the past 10 (12?) years of my life running to nowhere. Sure, I have given birth and partially raised two children, completed all but 20 hours of my degree, read books, prayed, worked on my own emotional health, and stuff along those lines. But, I have also spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to stay connected to someone who just doesn’t get it – in order to be a healthy couple, you have to work on being healthy individuals. One person can’t make it all work out for the other.

So, yeah, I am pretty sad about the fact that we are breaking apart. And I have spent plenty of nights wondering if I could have done anything else/differently/better to have made everything work out. But, I can’t help but hope that this divorce will be my chance to make my life into something more than it has been. To this point, I have been defined by my relationships to other people – and obviously I will still be a mom, sister, friend, daughter – but I am looking forward to getting to know who I am – authentically, without the pressures to fit into someone else’s picture of who I should be. This is probably the ultimate MegaChallenge. It somehow feels easier and safer to perform an assigned role than to branch out and try something new – however poorly the assigned role actually fits.

So, here’s to getting off of the hamster wheel and discovering my own path. But I am sticking with the elliptical trainer at the gym – for now – I can only manage one major life change at a time.

Kristopher Donnenhoffer…

If that’s your name, get outta my head! I had a dream just before I woke up that included a guy with that very long name. How do I know that was his name?? He wrote it down for me. He must have noticed that I am officially down to 160 lbs and ready to be noticed by Ginger’s honest-to-god hotties. Well, at least in my dreams.

Oprah was in my dream, too. I was in a shoe store full of people and she walked right up to me and we started chatting like old friends. We discussed diamonds and how a “Bay Window” cut was such a waste of stone, but so lovely that it was worth it. At least my dream self has some serious self-confidence. Gotta work on that in my real life.

In case you missed the reference in the dream recall portion of the MegaChallenge, it is time to move the car. Yes, again!! I know! I know! I keep waiting for the morning that I step on the scale and it laughs and says, “April Fools! You actually gained 2 stone!!”

Yesterday’s workout (58/200) went pretty well. I managed a 36 minute run to nowhere. My hip is still a little creaky, so going an hour isn’t happening without some serious pain.

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